How to love a gifted person?

Just keep holding on. 

That's it. This article could end here and most gifted people I know would nod their heads and agree.

It sounds simple, but in order to keep a relationship with a gifted person, you must be willing to hold on in a way that some people are not strong enough to do. This means putting aside your own ego. It means being flexible and ready for adventures. And it means having a sense of humor even through the hardest of times.

Holding on to a gifted person that you love means holding on with a bungee cord. 

They will pull, and challenge every boundary. They will sometimes fight against being held, and some days when they seem somewhat content, they are still like lions pacing their cage. They will find so many ways to push all your buttons and challenge all of your beliefs. And sometimes they will need to fly away in order to be happy when they come back. So you have to let your love pull and twist and stretch across the chasms. And then pull them back again and again, rebounding back to love each other briefly and replenish their hearts before they are off again on a new adventure.

But as anyone who loves a gifted person knows, they can be so amazing at times that the great times are still worth all of the hardest parts. They love fiercely and are passionate about wonderful things that others may not even notice. They keep you entertained and challenged to the edge of what you think you are capable of. Then they will fight to the death for you, risk their lives for causes that matter to you both (and to the world), and then they will hold you so close you think your souls are one. Riding along on the emotional roller coaster with a loved one who is gifted is dizzying and may make your head spin, but your heart will almost burst from the highs. Hang on tightly- There's often no other choice!

Gifted people are constantly searching for their tribe, to the point of sometimes looking right through their best and closest support system as if they don't even notice you are there. Gifted people are seekers – they are not easily satisfied and will challenge those that care about them to "step it up" even another notch, and prove their love and commitment over and over again in little ways, as well as some big ones that might take your breath away. They will demand excellence and teach you to fly with them if you show you won't just fall. And if you hold on tight, you are worth more than anything they could ever find in their searches. Gifted people often are searching for other gifted people who are also searching for something, which means they are often lonely and even when they find someone or something they still end up left alone a lot. Gifted tribe mates are often on to the next challenge too, so when they finally think they've caught each other and life will be great, one of them decides they need something more novel and they are off again. Even when gifted people seem content, they are only in a temporary holding pattern. Gifted people do not always know how to hold on, so you have to hold on for both of you. 

If you are the friend or loved one of a gifted person, and you are gifted yourself, you may have to hold on even harder! You will see the same traits in each other at times, which are the same traits that make you hard to live with. But you may forge a bond that others will never understand, and sometimes you will not understand it either.

If you are not gifted, or you at least don't think you are, then you may be the calming and stoic partner that a gifted person needs to keep them grounded and feeling safe and loved. However, there will be times you will not understand each other and in order to get through those moments, you must both find grace in each other's attempts at problem-solving. That is when holding on becomes an act of love itself.

There is something to be said for surviving a hurricane or tornado. You may feel at times like you are trying to hang on to some kind of foundation while branches and cars are being tossed in your direction... gifted people know how to throw everything in the path of love, because they may not feel they deserve happiness or because they have had so many relationship challenges and let downs in the past that they don't even trust it. Or perhaps they just have so much going on in their busy and sometimes even chaotic lives that they don't realize the way others may interpret their behaviors negatively. And other times they may run away from anything that seems boring or stable, and reaching them is like grabbing at the wind in a storm. But relationships that make it through hardships are more solid than those that seem too easy. When people know each others' weaknesses and faults and still love each other fiercely, there's less that can surprise them and shake things up.

So how do you best love a gifted person? Like fire that burns swiftly and passionately when stoked, and then lays waiting and smoldering in embers when the wind blows too hard. Like the waves of the sea that ebb and flow with the tides. And like the sun that comes up again every single day. Loving a gifted person takes every element of your being sometimes. But if you think it is worth it, then the best game plan is just keep holding on.


​THIS ARTICLE IS A PART OF THE HOAGIES' GIFTED EDUCATION BLOG HOP FOR SEPTEMBER 2016.
YOU CAN FIND MORE HOAGIES' BLOG HOP ENTRIES AT http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/blog_hop_community.htm

My latest blog post is one that may be more controversial than gifted issues already are. I publish it in the hopes it will help other gifted adults who struggle with keeping their relationships afloat, and make it more ok for us to talk about this type of thing. The discussions about failing marriages and partners who just can't seem to "make it work" are rampant behind the scenes in any social situation- water cooler discussions at work, stories shared at restaurants and bars after work, in locker rooms at the gym,  and along the sidelines at sporting events. We talk about not always feeling content and we all know when a friend isn't... But why is it that so many gifted adults express the idea that they are "missing something"? Could it be that gifted traits also include a tendency to outgrow our partners or to develop so intensely in some areas and so slowly in others that we leave our partners behind? Should the characteristics lists also include a need for novelty and intellectual and emotional stimulation that causes an overwhelming struggle their whole life to achieve? The dark side (or light side, depending on your point of view,) of the empathy and deep emotions we have as gifted people that help us want to save the world and make a difference in the lives of others, may be a related need for connection and making a difference at the utmost emotional relationships we have ourselves.




My friend once told me about an event she attended with several other leaders in the field of gifted education. As they were sitting and talking with each other, a theme started to emerge in their discussion regarding the many years they each had spent looking for deep connections that would result in long term romantic relationships. Out of everyone in the group the vast majority were on their second or third marriages. And they all spoke of trying to find something that seemed to be missing in their life that their first marriages did not satisfy.

The reason my friend was telling me about this revelation and their interesting discussion at that event was because she also was on her third marriage and I was questioning whether I should stay in my second.

I've kept our discussion in mind as I ventured forth into the world since that time. And I continually meet intense gifted women and men who have had multiple marriages and unsatisfactory relationships. Perhaps because I am looking for such examples, but also perhaps it is that being an intense gifted person often leads to having a love life that is never satisfying enough- or at least that takes quite a while to perfect.

There are always exceptions. I know several very intelligent people who seem to be (and have been determined formally to be) gifted who are happily content with their first and only marriage. I am constantly in awe of this type of specimen. I imagine that these people fall into another type of gifted adult category that is different than my own, and that of my multi – marriage friends. Perhaps they are less emotionally intense. Or they have strong convictions (religious, familial, or otherwise,) that they can somehow follow better than others do. Or maybe they are more introverted or possess other characteristics that help them settle down with one person at home and truly be content. 

I'm actually not sure what the difference is, and I'm not sure if I envy them or pity them. (And of course that depends on my mood!) And who is to say how happy they are, or how long it will be before they too are on to another relationship. You never know how truly happy someone is. And sometimes you don't even know how unhappy you are until you see or feel something else that you believe will make you happier.

So what is it that makes gifted women continue to search the world for something that they claim is missing in their hearts? And how long does it take after meeting someone who they once thought was "their missing piece" before they realize they are still missing something?

And more importantly, is it possible to actually find the real missing piece at some point and live "happily ever after?" Is there only one piece missing- or do we put many missing pieces together with many different people over time? 

I have spent a lot of time researching relationship issues and thinking about gifted adult relationships. And yet I am still left pondering the same questions I started with. All relationships are complicated. And gifted people tend to gravitate towards complex issues and high-level thinking patterns. Just as it is often stated regarding gifted children, gifted adults create their own complexities in life to keep their brains busy- be it learning new information, traveling, meeting new people, and/or trying new things. The search for someone who can keep up with an intense gifted person and continue to challenge and stimulate their minds is a difficult one. And with the statistics showing that gifted people are only the top 2 to 5% of the population, and that people usually gravitate to others within 10% of their own IQs, it's no wonder that a gifted adult may struggle to find a good match.

It would be very interesting to study divorces and the correlation with intelligence. However there are more variables that go with divorce than intellect. Things such as socio-economic status, extended family and friends relationships and support, children's issues, religious issues, and other issues most definitely play a role in any relationship. But after isolating those issues, the question could be discussed and analyzed regarding whether there are more multiple marriages and divorces within the population of individuals with high intellect and gifted characteristics and traits, or not.

There is a lack of research about the "missing pieces" that gifted women (and probably men) are looking for that they are not finding in their first relationships. A survey of gifted individuals who divorced their first spouses could help us isolate the most popular issues in such doomed relationships.

One possible hypothesis regarding the "missing pieces" is that first marriages are often based on superficial relationship indicators like attractive looks and those who are socializing in similar age groups at that particular time (such as in friendship circles during high school and college study years), as well as limits such as geographical location. Many first, young-adult courtships begin from working relationships between people in the same jobs (which may or may not be the jobs that they "want to be when they grow up," and often are jobs of convenience when people are just starting out.) 

As gifted people grow up and develop they go through many stages of intellectual and social-emotional growth that out paces other individuals who may not be gifted or who have different types of intensities and focus/interest areas. This is due to the different way gifted brains process information (brains of those with high intellect had characteristics that differed from other brains, including a cortex that thickened and thinned at different times and during different ages than others. How the Gifted Brain Learns, D.A. Sousa, http://www.corwin.com/upm-data/32712_Sousa_%2528Gifted_Brain%2529__Ch1.pdf) and the asynchrony that often presents along with high intellect (gifted children experience inner experiences that cause them to present as many different levels or ages depending on the situations. Many Ages at Once, L. Rivera, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creative-synthesis/201201/many-ages-once).

Some personality types and gifted intensities may work better with other people's gifted characteristics and intensities. A Myers Briggs personality test may not adequately measure a gifted person's compatibility with another person because it does not take into consideration the overexcitabilities and the intense reactions and quick growth (both emotionally and academically) of a gifted individual.

Another personality issue that may come up in gifted adult relationships is the issue of novelty. It is quite possible that beginning relationships settle into the monotony of real life quicker then gifted young adults are ready for. So the combination of immaturity, the regular stresses of any new marriage (including financial and communication hurdles that occur when living with anyone for the first time,) combined with the gifted person/s' need for interesting and new experiences may create extraordinary stress on individuals who may not have the coping skills for it.

And then there is the issue of risk-taking. Some gifted people with emotional intensities also tend to search for situations that create the adrenaline rush and challenge that gives them new things to think about and explore. Risk-taking is a way of creating complexities and pushing the limits of socially acceptable behavior and can be done in both positive and negative ways. Those gifted individuals who continue to pursue academic and career goals against the odds are seeking rewards that are socially acceptable and encouraged; while those who are doing illegal activities like taking drugs or stealing would be considered as acting outside of socially acceptable norms. In any relationship there is an element of risk- it's not guaranteed that your relationship will last forever or that each of you will take the same care of the children if you even have any, or that you will make it through the multitude of dangers in life and survive the next ten years. But when the individuals have a mismatch of how risk-tolerant they are it can create many problems with mistrust and fear and even financial dilemmas. First marriages are built during the formative years- the years while both parties are still figuring out their own risk levels and testing relationship boundaries. 

Some spouses may continue to take more risks than the others do, and disagreements regarding morality, loyalties, and acceptable behaviors create strife. A strong marriage or partnership may be able sustain continued disagreements or violations of trust, but sometimes the ability to balance the disagreements and disappointments that come from crossed boundaries and broken trust with the long term love and commitment to the relationship come after a person has already experienced failure. Therefore, relationships that we start later in life may have more accepting and forgiving characteristics if the spouses have lived through past relationships where they gave up too early on someone who did something they considered unacceptable such as had an affair, lost control of finances, had addiction issues, etc. Often people enter partnerships believing that these types of behaviors should not be tolerated and we create hard lines and walk away from imperfections more easily. But when they are older and have experienced more of life's hard knocks, they may be more accepting of others' disgraces and more willing to be a friend and partner than just a spouse. 

Committed relationships are a lot of work. The day to day life with a highly intelligent, intense, and active gifted person is even harder than most outside of the relationship may ever imagine. Gifted characteristics create anxieties and emotional highs and lows that rival many mental disorders at times (there are entire books on these issues alone, and a national initiative to combat mental/medical misdiagnosis in gifted people is ongoing.) The social skill gaps and a gifted person's ability to focus on something regardless of what else is going on around them are just a few problems that may flare up. And then if more than one spouse is gifted, multiply the affects of each of their intensities exponentially. (And if gifted children are involved too, the statistical probability of moments of stress goes through the roof.)

There is also an issue of gifted people who find love with those who are not gifted. Misunderstandings are likely, due to the different ways each has experienced the world throughout their lives, and there may be clashes stemming from energy level mismatches depending on the gifted person's intensities. On the other hand, having one partner who is more centered and flexible may be a good balance if the other spouse is bouncing off the walls with desire to change the world or having intense moments that affect the pace or the emotional levels in the home. And then there is always the issue of whose definition of gifted they are using- some gifted adults don't even know they are gifted because they were never tested, or because they were a classic underperforming gifted student and the identification process was based on stereotypical high performer characteristics. Make no assumptions- the gifted vs. not gifted issue is one that is hard to determine as testing and identification methods are not error proof. But at the end of the day, the partners will figure out pretty quickly if they have a personality compatibility issue- regardless of whether they are both gifted or not. 

Most gifted people have problems with communicating their needs and problems with people they live with at one time or another (there are multiple books on how to raise gifted children or deal with gifted traits.) Just like anyone living together for the first time- it takes a while to really figure out a routine and to be comfortable with someone else in your home. And when gifted characteristics are added to the mix it can be even harder.

Being gifted includes a constant patchwork of thoughts, actions and events that come together in new ways like kaleidoscope pictures. Every day something new is added- a lesson learned, a new item for a wish list or hope chest, a failure to grow from, a success to build confidence... The experiences that build people also sometimes build them away from those who are growing beside them. Gifted people grow at different rates and often gifted people cannot stop from searching for new experiences that challenge them and make them think hard about interesting things. If a gifted partner grows at a different rate or in a different direction, it is most likely going to create stress. And if the growth is big enough or in the opposite direction enough from what the other partner is doing then it becomes less and less likely that they will find the way back to common ground. No matter how much someone cares about someone else, if at some point they no longer have those common interests and are reaching for different types of goals they will suffer and possibly will not be able to hold on to their relationships. Someone more in touch with their interests and their needs may come along, or perhaps they will just need the space and yearn for a life without needing to constantly justify their interests.

Gifted people need several things in order to continue on a path with a partner. (This list includes some, but not all of the situations and characteristics that are important in a gifted relationship and not all apply to everyone.):

-support for a constant quest for new information (allowing for informal and possibly even formal education experiences,)
-novel situations and explorations (travel, surprises, new ways of showing their partner is aware of their interests and desires,)
-patience (for intensities, asynchronies, anxieties, passions, etc.)
-humor (quick wit, the ability to laugh at otherwise stressful situations, entertaining stories, etc.)
-independence (a lack of codependency that hinders intellectual growth and exploration, other interests that add to novelty and learning, etc.)
-flexibility (allowing for change to happen over time as they both grow)
-intellect (a match of common intelligence- research says relationship matches within 10 IQ points is ideal.)
-common interests (these will evolve and change over time as new interests likely will appear and old interests will diminish in appeal, but both partners should enjoy many of the things they do together and have common topics for discussions to help them see each other's as partners.)

Life as a gifted person can be intense and full of ups and downs related to social and emotional responses that are deep and moving experiences. Research shows the gIfted adults who are in satisfying relationships experience better health and have more confidence than those who do not have close friends or partners. Yet gifted people are definitely contributing to divorce statistics and may have multiple longer term relationships during their lives. 

Further study on this subject is recommended so as to explore whether there are ways to promote better relationship matches between gifted adults or therapy that can be used to encourage gifted adults to mend the relationships they would otherwise separate from. In the meanwhile, gifted adults should be aware of the possibility of encountering difficulties and focus on increasing their connections before their relationships get so difficult they want to leave. And those who do leave and struggle to find that "missing piece" can take solace in knowing they are not alone.

I often encounter a situation while working with gifted children in the education setting, where I have to give them the spiel about standardized testing. You may know this one too- "As you are reading the multiple choice questions you need to think- what would the majority of the population choose as the right answer...? Do not spend a lot of time trying to justify the other answers in your mind because you may come up with reasons every answer could be right... And then the test will be impossible to complete. So do not get stuck like that. Pick an answer that you feel is the best one and then move on."

The more I think about this quandary the more I realize it signifies a lot about life for gifted people of all ages. Sometimes we see every option as a valid one. Sometimes we see all the options as worthwhile. And sometimes having so many possibilities can be
mind-blowing and creates the danger of never completing anything.

Usually the elementary school years are pretty safe- there are a lot of rules and parents make a lot of decisions for children. But as gifted people start realizing there are options(which happens much earlier for most gifted childrenthan their peers,) the arguments and power struggles begin. Even those arguments have limits though. At some point a parent or teacher will find a way to stop the discussion and the child still ends up heading in the direction that the system expects them to go. But as we get older the decisions become more complex and the world opens up even more. What classes should I take? Where should I go to college? What do I want to do when I'm done with school? How should I spend my spare time? Who should I love or let go? What car should I drive? Should I join a community organization? Where do I want to live? And the list goes on and on and on.

Some people who are less adventurous or who were conditioned in more convincing ways may choose to live in traditional
ways that model behaviors or choices made by other people they admire or model their lives after. And some people may find missions in life that define their route. Others may sacrifice their own choices for causes or needs of others.
There are so many ways to "grow up" and be in the world. But the majority of human minds don't stop thinking about "what ifs" and wondering what could happen if they chose to do something else, or add a new element to their lives.


Gifted intensities often add another dimension to these internal conversations. Second-guessing life paths and imagining new journeys and options seems to come with overexcitable minds. Maybe the new adventure is as tame as choosing to try a new membership or product at a neighborhood business, or finding a new hobby to put energy into, or (my current issue) wanting to move to a foreign country/learn a new language/home school the kids/and start a new business on the other side of the world.

The multiple choice test of life keeps adding new answers to the questions that matter the most. Do you choose "a) stay
in your current job that you have built up into what anyone else would consider a great career," or "b) apply for that other equally awesome job at the new company start-up on the other side of town," or "c) start your own business where you can set your own hours and see your family more but have to struggle to pay the bills for awhile"??? It makes it worse when you are studying those types of questions in your mind every waking hour and every answer has equal appeal. And sometimes the answer to one question ends up starting to look even better than the others even though you know without a doubt it is not the "standardized answer..."

Often the more gifted people see different options, the more they don't want to choose the "right" one. And that causes
strife between them and the rest of society. Taking the leap to do things that are out-of-the-box, creative (and usually more complex) than what everyone thinks grown ups should do creates stress and more difficulties for an already frustrated person. By choosing to challenge their friends or coworkers or even family in order to choose a new road, the gifted person can become more isolated and alone and the answers get harder to delineate.

It becomes even more complicated when every option is appealing, especially when you want to try them all.

Unfortunately we haven't yet discovered a way to be in more than one place at the same time... To be in the tropics and the snowy mountains... To have a family life and a single life... To have a life of leisure and enough work to keep from being bored... Although sometimes we can imagine ways to get pretty close to having more than one choice when we find things that can be considered almost compromises. We can live in a location close to both beaches and mountains (maybe not tropical beaches but beautiful ones...) We can take vacations without the kids and enjoy things you can't do with a family in tow. And we can find jobs that make us so happy we forget we are working so hard at times.

The saying "life is full of compromises" is true. But sometimes compromises are not enough. And when that is the case it becomes another set of test questions. Do you think about the options so much that you decide to pick them all? Do you leave the perfect job to try the start-up down the road, while saving up to start that business you always dreamed of having? And if the answer is yes and you choose them all, how do you circle back to option "a" if you change your mind and wish you didn't try to have it all? Because sometimes choosing to try the other options means losing out on some too. Are you brave
enough to take the risk? Will you regret not trying? Or regret not staying in place? And there is where the multiple choice exam becomes even more complicated.

I never liked the saying "you can't have your cake and eat it too," because I thought it was silly to imagine only baking one cake. Why not bake five and keep one, eat one, save one, and give a couple away in trades..? If only I could come up with a way to bake five cakes instead of only one. I try to always have several cakes in the oven but it is indeed a balancing act. Not every one of them firms up, and often none of them even get "done." I keep changing ingredients and messing with the recipes. I keep changing my mind about who I want to give the extra two cakes, and I'm never exactly sure where to store the one I'm saving, or which one I want to eat.

When you started reading this article you may have hoped there would be answers at the end to help you figure out how to balance all those questions in your own mind. But no one can answer your questions for you. All I can do is advise you that you are not alone... That gifted people everywhere feel this same way... And I share your misery. But life is much more interesting when you can see all the possible options and the best way to know what you are supposed to do is to weigh all the pros and cons and then go with your gut in the end. Besides, if you always answer the life quiz with the standardized answer you will always end up in a crowd and that's not always the most interesting place to be.