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How to Love a Gifted Person, By Kathleen Casper

9/1/2016

9 Comments

 
How to love a gifted person?

Just keep holding on. 

That's it. This article could end here and most gifted people I know would nod their heads and agree.

It sounds simple, but in order to keep a relationship with a gifted person, you must be willing to hold on in a way that some people are not strong enough to do. This means putting aside your own ego. It means being flexible and ready for adventures. And it means having a sense of humor even through the hardest of times.

Holding on to a gifted person that you love means holding on with a bungee cord. 

They will pull, and challenge every boundary. They will sometimes fight against being held, and some days when they seem somewhat content, they are still like lions pacing their cage. They will find so many ways to push all your buttons and challenge all of your beliefs. And sometimes they will need to fly away in order to be happy when they come back. So you have to let your love pull and twist and stretch across the chasms. And then pull them back again and again, rebounding back to love each other briefly and replenish their hearts before they are off again on a new adventure.

But as anyone who loves a gifted person knows, they can be so amazing at times that the great times are still worth all of the hardest parts. They love fiercely and are passionate about wonderful things that others may not even notice. They keep you entertained and challenged to the edge of what you think you are capable of. Then they will fight to the death for you, risk their lives for causes that matter to you both (and to the world), and then they will hold you so close you think your souls are one. Riding along on the emotional roller coaster with a loved one who is gifted is dizzying and may make your head spin, but your heart will almost burst from the highs. Hang on tightly- There's often no other choice!

Gifted people are constantly searching for their tribe, to the point of sometimes looking right through their best and closest support system as if they don't even notice you are there. Gifted people are seekers – they are not easily satisfied and will challenge those that care about them to "step it up" even another notch, and prove their love and commitment over and over again in little ways, as well as some big ones that might take your breath away. They will demand excellence and teach you to fly with them if you show you won't just fall. And if you hold on tight, you are worth more than anything they could ever find in their searches. Gifted people often are searching for other gifted people who are also searching for something, which means they are often lonely and even when they find someone or something they still end up left alone a lot. Gifted tribe mates are often on to the next challenge too, so when they finally think they've caught each other and life will be great, one of them decides they need something more novel and they are off again. Even when gifted people seem content, they are only in a temporary holding pattern. Gifted people do not always know how to hold on, so you have to hold on for both of you. 

If you are the friend or loved one of a gifted person, and you are gifted yourself, you may have to hold on even harder! You will see the same traits in each other at times, which are the same traits that make you hard to live with. But you may forge a bond that others will never understand, and sometimes you will not understand it either.

If you are not gifted, or you at least don't think you are, then you may be the calming and stoic partner that a gifted person needs to keep them grounded and feeling safe and loved. However, there will be times you will not understand each other and in order to get through those moments, you must both find grace in each other's attempts at problem-solving. That is when holding on becomes an act of love itself.

There is something to be said for surviving a hurricane or tornado. You may feel at times like you are trying to hang on to some kind of foundation while branches and cars are being tossed in your direction... gifted people know how to throw everything in the path of love, because they may not feel they deserve happiness or because they have had so many relationship challenges and let downs in the past that they don't even trust it. Or perhaps they just have so much going on in their busy and sometimes even chaotic lives that they don't realize the way others may interpret their behaviors negatively. And other times they may run away from anything that seems boring or stable, and reaching them is like grabbing at the wind in a storm. But relationships that make it through hardships are more solid than those that seem too easy. When people know each others' weaknesses and faults and still love each other fiercely, there's less that can surprise them and shake things up.

So how do you best love a gifted person? Like fire that burns swiftly and passionately when stoked, and then lays waiting and smoldering in embers when the wind blows too hard. Like the waves of the sea that ebb and flow with the tides. And like the sun that comes up again every single day. Loving a gifted person takes every element of your being sometimes. But if you think it is worth it, then the best game plan is just keep holding on.


​THIS ARTICLE IS A PART OF THE HOAGIES' GIFTED EDUCATION BLOG HOP FOR SEPTEMBER 2016.
YOU CAN FIND MORE HOAGIES' BLOG HOP ENTRIES AT http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/blog_hop_community.htm

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9 Comments

One True Peer

6/1/2015

27 Comments

 
By Kathleen Casper

 

Gifted adults often spend their lives trying to find friendships that have a depth and breadth at the spiritual level that most of their friendships and intimate relationships only skim the top of. And once in a while they actually find one of those if they are lucky, although they are incredibly difficult to find. Researchers don’t know exactly why this is, or why it matters, although they can follow the brain chemistry evidence to prove there is a biological event that occurs when people do find connections (Krienen, Pei-Chi Tu, and Buckner, 2010), somehow the idea of finding that one person who matches their character and mirrors their soul matters more than most gifted people want to admit. Some give up and live a life of solitude. But others continue to look, sometimes moving from unsatisfactory relationship to yet another unsatisfactory one, always hoping they will find “the One.”

Starting from youth, gifted children begin looking for peers who mirror their intelligence and interests. Articles have been written about what “true peers” are for children, whose asynchrony of development causes problems for them in finding even playmates who understand them at the appropriate levels. But when a gifted child grows into a gifted adult, the intricacies of relationships thicken and just having someone who can do “parallel play” at the higher levels isn’t enough. Gifted adults have the potential of forming intimate relationships that overshadow the casual friendships they maintain in their workplaces and in their regular social networks. This pursuit of true adult peers is so important that it manifests itself in what can appear to be self-depreciating or harmful behaviors and even unhealthy medical conditions, including diseases and stress-induced maladies, multiple intimate relationships, divorces, and more.

Just knowing there is a potential for more intimate depth is enough to keep them searching, and often moving from relationship to relationship until they find the “soul mate” they are looking for- if they ever are able to find them.

It is well documented in research articles that the gifted are prone to characteristics that can lead to problematic social interactions on many levels- the high sensitivities, their questioning nature, persistence and obsessiveness, passion and perceptiveness, empathy and enrage over unfairness, and so forth (Heylighen, n.d.). The combination of these characteristics and each gifted person’s specific areas of concerns and passions are unique. Therefore, a gifted person may have to search high and low throughout the population of their communities and the world in order to find someone who matches their desires and understands them at the deepest levels.


Loneliness is a major issue for many adults, but particularly those who are gifted-

Gifted people historically struggle with the issue of loneliness throughout childhood, into adulthood and even in the elderly years. Looking at just about any list of gifted characteristics, loneliness is often mentioned- showing how difficult it is for gifted individuals to feel true connections with others. It’s a lonely existence to not feel like you really belong. This statement says it best- "A common feeling or fantasy among highly gifted children is that they are like abandoned aliens waiting for the mother ship to come and take them home” (Webb, Amend, Webb, Goerss, Beljan, & Olenchak, 2005, p. 136).

This desire to find someone who understands us is human nature. Psychologists have documented the need for social connections. “Across the lifespan, affiliative and attachment bonds have clear survival and reproductive advantages that may help explain why the motivation to form and maintain close social bonds is as potent as the drive to satisfy hunger or thirst”(Cacioppo, 2009).

Researchers (Caspi, Harrington, Moffitt, Milne, & Poulton, 2006) found that loneliness in adolescence and young adulthood caused actual physical maladies such as cardiovascular issues and other health concerns.

Even when a person has what appear to be many friends, they can still be lonely. Many gifted people actually have several casual friends but this does not fill the need to fully connect with someone.

A study done by Lavelle and Hawkley (2010) found the following:

Loneliness is a feeling of distress that accompanies perceived deficiencies in social relationships. Loneliness often occurs in conjunction with social isolation, but a person can be socially isolated without feeling lonely and can feel lonely without being socially isolated. In contrast with social isolation, loneliness is more closely related to the perceived quality than qu
antity of social relationships.


Even if someone is not really isolated, if they feel isolated it’s even worse. In fact, researchers Cacioppo, Fowler and Christakis (2009) found that “Humans are an irrepressibly meaning-making species and a large literature has developed showing that perceived social isolation (i.e., loneliness) in normal samples is a more important predictor of a variety of adverse health outcomes than is objective social isolation.”  

In other words, the lack of a true connection can also be dangerous. It makes people who feel socially isolated willing to take more risks and incur greater costs in order to find connections, sometimes getting themselves into more exploitive relationships than individuals who feel more connected to others.

Gifted characteristics have a tendency to sometimes be especially isolating when the individual feels that the world is full of unfair situations and things to be anxious about. And those who are more willing to accept that other people can be helpful in facing these massive problems are more likely to feel supported in their pursuit of justice, but those who are skeptical and don’t have a network of friends they can count on feel even more hopeless. In fact, research has shown that people who feel like they are connected to others believe they can overcome challenges with the support of their friends.

Researchers (Cacioppo, Hawkley, Rickett, & Masi, 2005) from the University of Chicago found the following:  

People who feel socially connected …react to interpersonal conflicts in peaceful and constructive rather than offensive and aggressive ways, thereby producing an environment that others want to inhabit but in contrast, lonely individuals are more likely to construe their world (including the behavior of others) as potentially threatening or punitive. (p. 147)

 

Finding This Level of Connection is Rare-

There are so many benefits to finding that real connection with someone, and yet it is more difficult to find than it sounds like it should be. Researchers theorize that in order to truly connect and form a friendship, often people need to find someone within 10-20 points of their own IQ score. With only about 3-5% of the world’s population exhibiting gifted characteristics, and even less having similar interest areas and personality compatibility, this makes it quite difficult for a perfect match to take place.

The IQ guidelines sound strict, but Francis Heylighen attempted to explain this enigma when he studied the way gifted people function in society. Heylighen found that in order to converse about an issue, a gifted person (which he referred to as a GP) will often discuss it using information they already have to make inferences and analogies in order to better understand the situation. The fact that most of what is going on in the gifted person’s head is harder to follow for a non-gifted person who is not processing the information at that level and this heightens the anxiety level of a non-gifted person in the conversation, and any input they can contribute to the discussion may not add enough to the thought process for the gifted person so they do not fully engage. If the gifted individual tries to explain their thoughts to the non-gifted conversationalist, they may sound as if they are dumbing it down and insult the other person, making the formation of a friendship difficult.

Heylighen (2007) found the following, "As a result, the GP will tend to remain in the boredom zone, anticipating most of what the other is going to say without learning much new, while the non-GP remains in the anxiety zone, being unable to comprehend much of what is being said, and wondering what the other party is up to." 

Gifted researcher Dr. Kathleen Noble (2012) noted this struggle and the importance of finding true peers in her research, stating, “In terms of finding peers, you have to realize it is hard, and you have to work at it.” She also noted that the individual’s living or work situation also plays a part in how difficult it is to find a true peer, but that new technology such as the internet makes it easier to find and explore relationships which may help rural women who are not exposed to as many others. If someone lives in a city or is connected with a university or “some kind of idea factory” it should be easier to find other gifted peers, but for those who work in the corporate world (presumably with less women co-workers) or in the retail world (presumably with less gifted individuals) or at home raising children it’s harder to do so.

​Another issue that may make it more difficult to find a true peer is the personality type of the gifted individual. Highly sensitive people may shy from relationships, especially ones that have the potential to be more than just casual friendshipsbecause of their fear of being emotionally harmed by rejection. So finding a true peer requires finding another person who understands this dilemma and is willing to work around it until both parties can trust each other (Aron, 2001).

However, when gifted people do find someone that they click with on such a deep emotional level, they can finally feel like they are supported and that they are no longer alone (Castro, 2008).

And as Susan Daniels points out in her book Living with Intensity, gifted people begin searching for kindred spirits and true peer connections in young adulthood and “their friendships and love relationships may have an almost explosive quality. Successfully finding others with whom they can truly connect allows gifted adults to savor the joys of true intimacy—joys that they will experience with their characteristic intensity” (Daniels & Piechowski, 2008, p. 170).

 

What is a TRUE PEER?

Different cultures call the idea of a “True Peer” different things. Some refer to them as “best friends” or “kindred spirits.” However a “true peer” in the world of the over-excitabilities-prone, sensitive and high level thinking gifted person is often defined as being even more than those everyday terms. The connection being sought is at a level of depth more in-tune with that of the controversial “soul mate.”

The idea of a “soul mate” is intriguing and different cultures all over the world have believed in and referred to this phenomenon. As far back to Plato, soul mates were an item of discussion; “Bashert” is a Yiddish word that Jewish people use to mean one's divinely foreordained spouse or soul mate, whichis called "basherte" (female) or "basherter" (male). It can also be used to express the seeming fate or destiny of an auspicious or important event, friendship, or happening (“Yiddish Dictionary Online,” n.d.); and in the Malaysian culture they use the word “Jodoh” for soul mate or partner. Malaysian Muslim women sometimes say, “Jodoh pertemuan dan ajal maut di tanganTuhan” or ‘matters of death and soul mates are in the hands of God.’ Researchers Ibrahim and Hassan translate this by saying “Jodoh in this regard means ‘soul mate’ or ‘partner’; but most importantly the word has an implication of fate determined by God at the perfect timing. If one says she hasn’t met her jodoh that means God has not permitted her to meet her soul-matebecause the time is not yet right. 

The Urban Dictionary (2006) has a wonderful explanation of what a soul mate is:

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.

According to some modern day experts, there are soul mates and then there are also kindred spirits. A Soul mate should be distinguished from a kindred spirit, who is someone you connect with that you may feel like you’ve known forever, or who brings you a certain message in your life like many people likely have done. Life Coach, Author, and Personal Trainer Jana Hollingsworth (2011) states, “Kindred spirits can sometimes be our soul mates. However, having a special bond with someone does not always mean they are ‘the one’ that we are meant to spend the rest of our lives with.” However there’s been little research regarding either type of phenomenon.

It may be a gifted characteristic to search for this “true peer” or soul mate. Some researchers have tied the idea of finding a true peer to the theory of self-actualization, with the reasoning that love and belonging are important parts on the hierarchy of human needs that lead to self-actualization and that in order to fully be able to learn about one self, the need to connect with others must be met.

And yet, researchers also believe that the capacity to develop strong and lasting friendships cannot develop in the gifted individual until she herself has experienced the glad peace of being understood and accepted by kindred spirits -- people of similar abilities, values and interests. 

Some who are gifted in entelechy (a driving force that makes the individual focus intensely on passions,) are more likely to want or need the “true peer” type of intimate connection but also may find deeper disappointment in relationships when the connection does not end up to be as great of a match as they had hoped.

According to researcher Deirdre Lovecky (1986):

People gifted in entelechy bring deep feelings to a relationship. By spontaneously expressing feelings, they encourage others to do so as well. Their example of overcoming obstacles and their continuing support and interest encourage others to grow. They not only hear the flowers singing but invite others to hear them too.

People gifted in entelechy are capable of creating “golden moments” of friendship, those special times when two people are truly their best selves and able to share on a deep level" (N. Jenckes, personal communication, December 26, 1984). Gifted adults may find sources of rare intimacy; however, they may also find an overwhelming number of people who want contact but have little to offer in return. They may feel vulnerable to and intruded on by the demands of others who may feel cheated that the promise implied in the initial sharing cannot continue.


​Perceptiveness is another type of gifted characteristic that adds complexity to the issue of finding a true peer. Those who are more perceptive and have more empathic connections hold “women's most potent gifts, yet, as with all great gifts, there is increased vulnerability.” 

According to Researcher Deidre Lovecky, “one of the problems for women with an exceptional degree of perceptiveness is that they experience a deep sense of being different from others -- including most other women -- in their moral and social concepts, in how they view truth and justice, and in how they can foresee the ultimate consequences of particular trends of both individual and community behavior.” So it is harder for them to show their real selves in relationships and instead of finding the true peer, the highly perceptive woman “finds herself in many relationships in which she has to erect a false face that hides how different she really is. Consequently, the highly gifted woman may, in fact, feel inauthentic in her relationships” (1996).

Even if a “soul mate” is not found, often gifted individuals do find a couple very close friends during the course of their lives and it helps them learn more about themselves. Examples of this are present in many articles on the emotional lives of gifted individuals. In Deborah L. Ruf, Ph.D.’s research on EQ and the IQ Connection, Dr. Ruf specifically mentioned two different subjects, Candice and Gene who both had only a couple of close friends. “Candice had two different friends in her late teens and in her 30s who helped her find herself.”

According to Dr. Ruf, Sandra became one of the most evolved, self-actualized people in the study and had a couple of close friends as well as a number of casual level acquaintances and was “very happily married to her second husband.” (This last statement does bring up the question of self-actualization and the pursuit of a soul mate through multiple relationships/marriages, which is an area that is lacking in gifted research.)

And Gene, a 56-year old scientist with an IQ of about 175, who she says had only two close friends, one at a time, throughout his childhood (2000).

Gifted adults sometimes expect to share everything with one person and overlook the special relationships that can develop around one interest or one facet of self (Lovecky, 1986).

Researcher Jean Baker Miller (1986) suggested that being able to increase the authenticity in a friendship is the goal of women's relationships, but it can only be obtained when the two participants feel equal.

In order to find a true peer the gifted individual must take the time to both meet many other people and to put forth the efforts involved in building a friendship and exploring its potential depth. “Some of the reasons that many talented women have few friends and are often lonely revolve around the extremely limited amount of time they have for friendships and the ambivalence of other women to talented women who achieve at high levels” (Reis, 2002).

 

True Peers and Intimacy

​Gifted adults whose characteristics include over-excitabilities and sensitivities may struggle to keep an emotional relationship from becoming sexual. This is something that also is documented as occurring in the teen years when some gifted individuals start sexual behaviors, often times as a way to fit in, but also stemming from the desire to lose themselves in the deep emotions of sexual intimacy and the intense feelings of the experience.

As a counselor for the highly gifted, Annette Revel Sheelystates, “Highly gifted high school students who felt socially isolated in elementary and middle school have talked about discovering sex as a new, intense way to finally connect with other people.”

Polish psychiatrist and psychologist Kazimierz Dabrowskidescribed the five overexcitabilities present in gifted people that all can add dimensions to a relationship and sexual experiences: Psychomotor, Sensual, Intellectual, Imaginational, and Emotional. And highly sensitive people are “more likely to find sex to be mysterious and powerful, to be turned on by subtle rather than explicit sexual cues, to be easily distracted or physically hurt during sex, and to find it difficult to go rightback to normal life afterwards” (Aron, 2001).

Finding a true peer or soul mate comes with inherent challenges especially if the individuals are already in relationships with people who are not on the same emotional or intellectual levels as they are.

Realizing that a connection on such an intimate plane is possible may disrupt the existing relationships and cause jealousy issues or other jaded behaviors from the parties involved.

The possible conflicts intensify if the gifted “true peers” get so wrapped up in the emotions of the new experience that they become intimate or begin to experiment with the idea.

These characteristics do not mean that gifted people cannot control themselves, or to imply that sexual behavior is inevitable when gifted people meet someone who they connect with on the intimate “true peer” level. But researchers have found that it can make it much more difficult to deny the temptation due to the high excitabilities that may be playing in the gifted person’s mind. Gifted researcher Stephanie Tolan (2007) stated that “when gifted individuals find an intellectually compatible partner of either sex during adolescence, they may experience an ‘explosion’ of feeling.”  This can create a situation where the gifted person feels they need to be with the other person and other relationships may suffer.

Tolan also noted another issue that can complicate the life of the true peers, stating, “If the partner is of the same gender, the complex cognitive process that accompanies the exploration of feeling may lead the child to assume a homosexual identitythat may or may not be accurate.”

Since gifted individuals often worry more than others about fairness and ethical issues, balancing this new relationship with their existing obligations is also important for their emotional growth and peace of mind.

 

The Risk of Reading too Much into Nothing:

It can be highly disappointing to many gifted individuals when they realize that the relationship they thought was “the One” is not what they expected. This causes many gifted women to revert to isolation and solitude in order to not be hurt by another disappointing relationship in the future.

Researchers have concluded that “the neurochemistry of infatuation causes us to overestimate compatibility. When infatuation fades (9 months to 4 years), incompatibility becomes our new focus. All our unmet expectations lead to post-infatuation frustration, which inevitably leads to disenchantment” (Murray, Holmes, Dolderman, & Griffin, 2000).

Many researchers believe that when gifted adults are fascinated with something, especially something new or novel, they tend to take on what interests them “like a holy mission, concentrating for exceptionally long periods of time with remarkable perseverance” (Clark, 1992; Lewis, Kitano, & Lynch, 1992; Lovecky, 1986). That can mean the intensity of infatuation with finding a potential “true peer” is heightened during the initial period of attraction.

Lovecky also noted that “Gifted individuals often exhibit the characteristic of intensity and it can be focused on their relationships, where the gifted individual desires relationships with intensity and sets themselves up for ‘intense mentor relationships’ that often result in keen disappointment.”

In order to know for sure whether an individual has found their true peer or soul mate, or even just a kindred spirit, it is therefore important to give the relationship enough time andgenuine effort to let it develop and to ensure it is more than just a mentor infatuation and that it lasts beyond the initial infatuation and into the future.

 

In summary, gifted individuals face many challenges when searching for the deep connection of a potential “true adult peer” or soul mate, including scarcity, emotional transparency risks, and balancing the new, unexplored, and potentially deep connection with other obligations or ethical beliefs. Yet finding a rare friendship like this is often a once in a lifetime event that cannot be taken lightly.

​As a popular saying goes, “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away.” And if they find each other, gifted True Peers have the ability to create those moments even more than non-gifted people do, with their intensity, overexcitabilities and their craving for the novel and the unknown.

27 Comments

Can I Just be Not Gifted for a Little Bit?                                                 

3/10/2015

29 Comments

 
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I'm tired of being gifted all the time. I'm sometimes exhausted by this thing inside me that makes me feel the way I feel, and that often even takes my breath away.

It's really been quite the ride, and I'm ready to find a rest stop... To take a nice, long nap and wake with a different way of experiencing the world. To join the crowds and feel like I fit in. To hit pause and resume life unimpressed by this aura (shadow?) that clings to my heart and my mind like a weight. 

Because sometimes it just gets to be too much. 

For just a little while could I just be able to feel real contentment? To be able to sit in one place without feeling guilty because of all the things I want to do (no, NEED to do) with my life for the next millennium? Maybe to not feel so frustrated with ridiculous laws in my community or "the way we always do things" at work... Or to dread small talk at my children's events with people who probably think I'm as different as they seem to me...

I would love to be able to watch the news without sobbing uncontrollably about the horrible stories of children dying or stay up all night trying to figure out how to find a way to do search and rescue at the latest natural disaster site in countries on the other side of the globe (and of course how to get a dog trained to search with me, which I've tried before and then lost interest in when I realized how repetitive it was to actually train anything...) in fact, it would be super to be able to stick to one task at a time, rather than doing several things and planning five zillion other tasks in my head at the same time.

And can you imagine how sweet I would seem if I didn't want to argue with everything or insist on my way when I have "the best" way of doing something? Perhaps I could be easier to live with if I wasn't always so restless and needing to explore the world, or if I could be happy with my love relationships that never seem "enough" in so many ways, no matter how much the poor saps who have loved me tried to be what I needed.

I often think it would be great to go to the local stores and not have to talk myself into being more patient with the people in line in front of me who can't figure out how to unload their carts, or to not feel responsible to help the clerk with all their problems when they get confused about the coupon combinations or whatever else that makes them have to stop and light up their light on the check stand. It would be easier to feel like I was more confused at times so I wouldn't always get frustrated with what confuses others around me. (Yes, seeing ten different alternate solutions for each problem gets a little tiring, but it's much worse to have to keep myself from bursting out of my own skin due to boredom when I have to stand in one place for more than a few minutes!)

I would love to not constantly wish I could just take a USB cord and plug it into my head so I could download everything exciting about my day into someone else's mind, so I wouldn't have to try to explain it. Because others often don't understand it when I try to describe what made me feel those roller coaster emotions.

And how much nicer would it be if I could stop stressing how someone else cleans or cooks or fills out a form, etc...? It probably would be great to not feel that twinge of perfectionism kick in, or the knowledge that I could do the task in half the time and with less errors if I did it myself. (This is why maids and hair dressers don't last long around here...)

Driving would be much easier if I didn't anticipate the moves of every too slow or too fast or too inattentive fellow driver on the road or spend my time moving out of their way so they don't hit me. And maybe it would be ok to feel more road rage instead of imagining all the reasons they might be having a bad day or need to get home, and then worry about those imaginary situations for them.

I would probably live longer if I could sleep through the night without waking up and having restless legs or dealing with scratchy tags in my clothing or having to sit up and check the news and make sure I haven't missed out on interesting (yet often nonsense) things on social media.

It would be great to have had hundreds more people to choose from for friends, rather than having one or two people who ever truly understood me. Or to feel content to follow the teacher's expectations in school rather than making games out of procrastination, underperforming to the very minimum acceptable limit for each product, or getting the work done much earlier and more detailed than anyone else (with my internal drive determining which of those options I would choose on any given task.)

It sure is annoying when people roll their eyes at the mention of giftedness, and I especially dislike it when people say they think all kids are gifted. Or the ones who try so hard to get their kids labeled as gifted when they aren't. Those people don't understand how much extra stress this "blessing" brings along with it. 

It is a nonstop anxiety overload filled with moments of pure bliss, and moments of pure heartache, with tons of adrenaline and extra heartbeats in between. It's having ADHD and Bipolar Disorder and ulcers that make tummies ache and skin disorders that make you itch for no reason at all, often all together in one week, or even one day. It's an intensity of emotions and hopes/dreams/desires on fast forward, with depths of loneliness and frustrations all at once. And no one who isn't gifted would ever understand because it's not possible to really describe it.

Ok, maybe most days I'm pretty comfortable with who I am and this gifted thing isn't really such a curse. But when I say that sometimes it would be nice to take just a little break from this "gift," only a few of you will know what I'm talking about. (And if you know what I'm talking about, you probably wish you could take a break sometimes too.)


29 Comments

Missing Pieces: Gifted Adults and Long-Term Relationship Issues, By Kathleen Casper

2/1/2015

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My latest blog post is one that may be more controversial than gifted issues already are. I publish it in the hopes it will help other gifted adults who struggle with keeping their relationships afloat, and make it more ok for us to talk about this type of thing. The discussions about failing marriages and partners who just can't seem to "make it work" are rampant behind the scenes in any social situation- water cooler discussions at work, stories shared at restaurants and bars after work, in locker rooms at the gym,  and along the sidelines at sporting events. We talk about not always feeling content and we all know when a friend isn't... But why is it that so many gifted adults express the idea that they are "missing something"? Could it be that gifted traits also include a tendency to outgrow our partners or to develop so intensely in some areas and so slowly in others that we leave our partners behind? Should the characteristics lists also include a need for novelty and intellectual and emotional stimulation that causes an overwhelming struggle their whole life to achieve? The dark side (or light side, depending on your point of view,) of the empathy and deep emotions we have as gifted people that help us want to save the world and make a difference in the lives of others, may be a related need for connection and making a difference at the utmost emotional relationships we have ourselves.




My friend once told me about an event she attended with several other leaders in the field of gifted education. As they were sitting and talking with each other, a theme started to emerge in their discussion regarding the many years they each had spent looking for deep connections that would result in long term romantic relationships. Out of everyone in the group the vast majority were on their second or third marriages. And they all spoke of trying to find something that seemed to be missing in their life that their first marriages did not satisfy.

The reason my friend was telling me about this revelation and their interesting discussion at that event was because she also was on her third marriage and I was questioning whether I should stay in my second.

I've kept our discussion in mind as I ventured forth into the world since that time. And I continually meet intense gifted women and men who have had multiple marriages and unsatisfactory relationships. Perhaps because I am looking for such examples, but also perhaps it is that being an intense gifted person often leads to having a love life that is never satisfying enough- or at least that takes quite a while to perfect.

There are always exceptions. I know several very intelligent people who seem to be (and have been determined formally to be) gifted who are happily content with their first and only marriage. I am constantly in awe of this type of specimen. I imagine that these people fall into another type of gifted adult category that is different than my own, and that of my multi – marriage friends. Perhaps they are less emotionally intense. Or they have strong convictions (religious, familial, or otherwise,) that they can somehow follow better than others do. Or maybe they are more introverted or possess other characteristics that help them settle down with one person at home and truly be content. 

I'm actually not sure what the difference is, and I'm not sure if I envy them or pity them. (And of course that depends on my mood!) And who is to say how happy they are, or how long it will be before they too are on to another relationship. You never know how truly happy someone is. And sometimes you don't even know how unhappy you are until you see or feel something else that you believe will make you happier.

So what is it that makes gifted women continue to search the world for something that they claim is missing in their hearts? And how long does it take after meeting someone who they once thought was "their missing piece" before they realize they are still missing something?

And more importantly, is it possible to actually find the real missing piece at some point and live "happily ever after?" Is there only one piece missing- or do we put many missing pieces together with many different people over time? 

I have spent a lot of time researching relationship issues and thinking about gifted adult relationships. And yet I am still left pondering the same questions I started with. All relationships are complicated. And gifted people tend to gravitate towards complex issues and high-level thinking patterns. Just as it is often stated regarding gifted children, gifted adults create their own complexities in life to keep their brains busy- be it learning new information, traveling, meeting new people, and/or trying new things. The search for someone who can keep up with an intense gifted person and continue to challenge and stimulate their minds is a difficult one. And with the statistics showing that gifted people are only the top 2 to 5% of the population, and that people usually gravitate to others within 10% of their own IQs, it's no wonder that a gifted adult may struggle to find a good match.

It would be very interesting to study divorces and the correlation with intelligence. However there are more variables that go with divorce than intellect. Things such as socio-economic status, extended family and friends relationships and support, children's issues, religious issues, and other issues most definitely play a role in any relationship. But after isolating those issues, the question could be discussed and analyzed regarding whether there are more multiple marriages and divorces within the population of individuals with high intellect and gifted characteristics and traits, or not.

There is a lack of research about the "missing pieces" that gifted women (and probably men) are looking for that they are not finding in their first relationships. A survey of gifted individuals who divorced their first spouses could help us isolate the most popular issues in such doomed relationships.

One possible hypothesis regarding the "missing pieces" is that first marriages are often based on superficial relationship indicators like attractive looks and those who are socializing in similar age groups at that particular time (such as in friendship circles during high school and college study years), as well as limits such as geographical location. Many first, young-adult courtships begin from working relationships between people in the same jobs (which may or may not be the jobs that they "want to be when they grow up," and often are jobs of convenience when people are just starting out.) 

As gifted people grow up and develop they go through many stages of intellectual and social-emotional growth that out paces other individuals who may not be gifted or who have different types of intensities and focus/interest areas. This is due to the different way gifted brains process information (brains of those with high intellect had characteristics that differed from other brains, including a cortex that thickened and thinned at different times and during different ages than others. How the Gifted Brain Learns, D.A. Sousa, http://www.corwin.com/upm-data/32712_Sousa_%2528Gifted_Brain%2529__Ch1.pdf) and the asynchrony that often presents along with high intellect (gifted children experience inner experiences that cause them to present as many different levels or ages depending on the situations. Many Ages at Once, L. Rivera, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creative-synthesis/201201/many-ages-once).

Some personality types and gifted intensities may work better with other people's gifted characteristics and intensities. A Myers Briggs personality test may not adequately measure a gifted person's compatibility with another person because it does not take into consideration the overexcitabilities and the intense reactions and quick growth (both emotionally and academically) of a gifted individual.

Another personality issue that may come up in gifted adult relationships is the issue of novelty. It is quite possible that beginning relationships settle into the monotony of real life quicker then gifted young adults are ready for. So the combination of immaturity, the regular stresses of any new marriage (including financial and communication hurdles that occur when living with anyone for the first time,) combined with the gifted person/s' need for interesting and new experiences may create extraordinary stress on individuals who may not have the coping skills for it.

And then there is the issue of risk-taking. Some gifted people with emotional intensities also tend to search for situations that create the adrenaline rush and challenge that gives them new things to think about and explore. Risk-taking is a way of creating complexities and pushing the limits of socially acceptable behavior and can be done in both positive and negative ways. Those gifted individuals who continue to pursue academic and career goals against the odds are seeking rewards that are socially acceptable and encouraged; while those who are doing illegal activities like taking drugs or stealing would be considered as acting outside of socially acceptable norms. In any relationship there is an element of risk- it's not guaranteed that your relationship will last forever or that each of you will take the same care of the children if you even have any, or that you will make it through the multitude of dangers in life and survive the next ten years. But when the individuals have a mismatch of how risk-tolerant they are it can create many problems with mistrust and fear and even financial dilemmas. First marriages are built during the formative years- the years while both parties are still figuring out their own risk levels and testing relationship boundaries. 

Some spouses may continue to take more risks than the others do, and disagreements regarding morality, loyalties, and acceptable behaviors create strife. A strong marriage or partnership may be able sustain continued disagreements or violations of trust, but sometimes the ability to balance the disagreements and disappointments that come from crossed boundaries and broken trust with the long term love and commitment to the relationship come after a person has already experienced failure. Therefore, relationships that we start later in life may have more accepting and forgiving characteristics if the spouses have lived through past relationships where they gave up too early on someone who did something they considered unacceptable such as had an affair, lost control of finances, had addiction issues, etc. Often people enter partnerships believing that these types of behaviors should not be tolerated and we create hard lines and walk away from imperfections more easily. But when they are older and have experienced more of life's hard knocks, they may be more accepting of others' disgraces and more willing to be a friend and partner than just a spouse. 

Committed relationships are a lot of work. The day to day life with a highly intelligent, intense, and active gifted person is even harder than most outside of the relationship may ever imagine. Gifted characteristics create anxieties and emotional highs and lows that rival many mental disorders at times (there are entire books on these issues alone, and a national initiative to combat mental/medical misdiagnosis in gifted people is ongoing.) The social skill gaps and a gifted person's ability to focus on something regardless of what else is going on around them are just a few problems that may flare up. And then if more than one spouse is gifted, multiply the affects of each of their intensities exponentially. (And if gifted children are involved too, the statistical probability of moments of stress goes through the roof.)

There is also an issue of gifted people who find love with those who are not gifted. Misunderstandings are likely, due to the different ways each has experienced the world throughout their lives, and there may be clashes stemming from energy level mismatches depending on the gifted person's intensities. On the other hand, having one partner who is more centered and flexible may be a good balance if the other spouse is bouncing off the walls with desire to change the world or having intense moments that affect the pace or the emotional levels in the home. And then there is always the issue of whose definition of gifted they are using- some gifted adults don't even know they are gifted because they were never tested, or because they were a classic underperforming gifted student and the identification process was based on stereotypical high performer characteristics. Make no assumptions- the gifted vs. not gifted issue is one that is hard to determine as testing and identification methods are not error proof. But at the end of the day, the partners will figure out pretty quickly if they have a personality compatibility issue- regardless of whether they are both gifted or not. 

Most gifted people have problems with communicating their needs and problems with people they live with at one time or another (there are multiple books on how to raise gifted children or deal with gifted traits.) Just like anyone living together for the first time- it takes a while to really figure out a routine and to be comfortable with someone else in your home. And when gifted characteristics are added to the mix it can be even harder.

Being gifted includes a constant patchwork of thoughts, actions and events that come together in new ways like kaleidoscope pictures. Every day something new is added- a lesson learned, a new item for a wish list or hope chest, a failure to grow from, a success to build confidence... The experiences that build people also sometimes build them away from those who are growing beside them. Gifted people grow at different rates and often gifted people cannot stop from searching for new experiences that challenge them and make them think hard about interesting things. If a gifted partner grows at a different rate or in a different direction, it is most likely going to create stress. And if the growth is big enough or in the opposite direction enough from what the other partner is doing then it becomes less and less likely that they will find the way back to common ground. No matter how much someone cares about someone else, if at some point they no longer have those common interests and are reaching for different types of goals they will suffer and possibly will not be able to hold on to their relationships. Someone more in touch with their interests and their needs may come along, or perhaps they will just need the space and yearn for a life without needing to constantly justify their interests.

Gifted people need several things in order to continue on a path with a partner. (This list includes some, but not all of the situations and characteristics that are important in a gifted relationship and not all apply to everyone.):

-support for a constant quest for new information (allowing for informal and possibly even formal education experiences,)
-novel situations and explorations (travel, surprises, new ways of showing their partner is aware of their interests and desires,)
-patience (for intensities, asynchronies, anxieties, passions, etc.)
-humor (quick wit, the ability to laugh at otherwise stressful situations, entertaining stories, etc.)
-independence (a lack of codependency that hinders intellectual growth and exploration, other interests that add to novelty and learning, etc.)
-flexibility (allowing for change to happen over time as they both grow)
-intellect (a match of common intelligence- research says relationship matches within 10 IQ points is ideal.)
-common interests (these will evolve and change over time as new interests likely will appear and old interests will diminish in appeal, but both partners should enjoy many of the things they do together and have common topics for discussions to help them see each other's as partners.)

Life as a gifted person can be intense and full of ups and downs related to social and emotional responses that are deep and moving experiences. Research shows the gIfted adults who are in satisfying relationships experience better health and have more confidence than those who do not have close friends or partners. Yet gifted people are definitely contributing to divorce statistics and may have multiple longer term relationships during their lives. 

Further study on this subject is recommended so as to explore whether there are ways to promote better relationship matches between gifted adults or therapy that can be used to encourage gifted adults to mend the relationships they would otherwise separate from. In the meanwhile, gifted adults should be aware of the possibility of encountering difficulties and focus on increasing their connections before their relationships get so difficult they want to leave. And those who do leave and struggle to find that "missing piece" can take solace in knowing they are not alone.







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Wanting it ALL

1/11/2014

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I often encounter a situation while working with gifted children in the education setting, where I have to give them the spiel about standardized testing. You may know this one too- "As you are reading the multiple choice questions you need to think- what would the majority of the population choose as the right answer...? Do not spend a lot of time trying to justify the other answers in your mind because you may come up with reasons every answer could be right... And then the test will be impossible to complete. So do not get stuck like that. Pick an answer that you feel is the best one and then move on."

The more I think about this quandary the more I realize it signifies a lot about life for gifted people of all ages. Sometimes we see every option as a valid one. Sometimes we see all the options as worthwhile. And sometimes having so many possibilities can be
mind-blowing and creates the danger of never completing anything.

Usually the elementary school years are pretty safe- there are a lot of rules and parents make a lot of decisions for children. But as gifted people start realizing there are options(which happens much earlier for most gifted childrenthan their peers,) the arguments and power struggles begin. Even those arguments have limits though. At some point a parent or teacher will find a way to stop the discussion and the child still ends up heading in the direction that the system expects them to go. But as we get older the decisions become more complex and the world opens up even more. What classes should I take? Where should I go to college? What do I want to do when I'm done with school? How should I spend my spare time? Who should I love or let go? What car should I drive? Should I join a community organization? Where do I want to live? And the list goes on and on and on.

Some people who are less adventurous or who were conditioned in more convincing ways may choose to live in traditional
ways that model behaviors or choices made by other people they admire or model their lives after. And some people may find missions in life that define their route. Others may sacrifice their own choices for causes or needs of others.
There are so many ways to "grow up" and be in the world. But the majority of human minds don't stop thinking about "what ifs" and wondering what could happen if they chose to do something else, or add a new element to their lives.


Gifted intensities often add another dimension to these internal conversations. Second-guessing life paths and imagining new journeys and options seems to come with overexcitable minds. Maybe the new adventure is as tame as choosing to try a new membership or product at a neighborhood business, or finding a new hobby to put energy into, or (my current issue) wanting to move to a foreign country/learn a new language/home school the kids/and start a new business on the other side of the world.

The multiple choice test of life keeps adding new answers to the questions that matter the most. Do you choose "a) stay
in your current job that you have built up into what anyone else would consider a great career," or "b) apply for that other equally awesome job at the new company start-up on the other side of town," or "c) start your own business where you can set your own hours and see your family more but have to struggle to pay the bills for awhile"??? It makes it worse when you are studying those types of questions in your mind every waking hour and every answer has equal appeal. And sometimes the answer to one question ends up starting to look even better than the others even though you know without a doubt it is not the "standardized answer..."

Often the more gifted people see different options, the more they don't want to choose the "right" one. And that causes
strife between them and the rest of society. Taking the leap to do things that are out-of-the-box, creative (and usually more complex) than what everyone thinks grown ups should do creates stress and more difficulties for an already frustrated person. By choosing to challenge their friends or coworkers or even family in order to choose a new road, the gifted person can become more isolated and alone and the answers get harder to delineate.

It becomes even more complicated when every option is appealing, especially when you want to try them all.

Unfortunately we haven't yet discovered a way to be in more than one place at the same time... To be in the tropics and the snowy mountains... To have a family life and a single life... To have a life of leisure and enough work to keep from being bored... Although sometimes we can imagine ways to get pretty close to having more than one choice when we find things that can be considered almost compromises. We can live in a location close to both beaches and mountains (maybe not tropical beaches but beautiful ones...) We can take vacations without the kids and enjoy things you can't do with a family in tow. And we can find jobs that make us so happy we forget we are working so hard at times.

The saying "life is full of compromises" is true. But sometimes compromises are not enough. And when that is the case it becomes another set of test questions. Do you think about the options so much that you decide to pick them all? Do you leave the perfect job to try the start-up down the road, while saving up to start that business you always dreamed of having? And if the answer is yes and you choose them all, how do you circle back to option "a" if you change your mind and wish you didn't try to have it all? Because sometimes choosing to try the other options means losing out on some too. Are you brave
enough to take the risk? Will you regret not trying? Or regret not staying in place? And there is where the multiple choice exam becomes even more complicated.

I never liked the saying "you can't have your cake and eat it too," because I thought it was silly to imagine only baking one cake. Why not bake five and keep one, eat one, save one, and give a couple away in trades..? If only I could come up with a way to bake five cakes instead of only one. I try to always have several cakes in the oven but it is indeed a balancing act. Not every one of them firms up, and often none of them even get "done." I keep changing ingredients and messing with the recipes. I keep changing my mind about who I want to give the extra two cakes, and I'm never exactly sure where to store the one I'm saving, or which one I want to eat.

When you started reading this article you may have hoped there would be answers at the end to help you figure out how to balance all those questions in your own mind. But no one can answer your questions for you. All I can do is advise you that you are not alone... That gifted people everywhere feel this same way... And I share your misery. But life is much more interesting when you can see all the possible options and the best way to know what you are supposed to do is to weigh all the pros and cons and then go with your gut in the end. Besides, if you always answer the life quiz with the standardized answer you will always end up in a crowd and that's not always the most interesting place to be.


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    Kathleen Casper

    Kathleen Casper is the Florida Association for the Gifted (FLAG) president. She recently left the position of the state gifted education specialist at the Florida Department of Education and is excited to now be working as a gifted education consultant and providing support to gifted preschool and homeschool children and families. She also continues working virtually as a part time attorney specializing in family and education law for clients in Washington State and federal courts in WA and FL.

    Kathleen is an award winning educator in both Florida and Washington State, certified in multiple endorsement areas including gifted education, and has taught from K-12 in many schools and programs. She spent many years on the board of SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted, www.SENGifted.org) as a director as well as the secretary on the executive committee. She was on the conference planning committee for the National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC) while planning the 2016 conference in Florida. She is the former vice president of the Washington Association for Educators of the Talented and Gifted (www.waetag.net), the former legislative committee chair of FLAG, as well as the former Highly Capable Facilitator for Tacoma Public Schools.

    Please join us on the OneWorldGiffted Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/Oneworld-Gifted-475374679239353/

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